Irvine's Casting Couch
by Vincent Loneheart
Summary: Irvine seeks revenge for certain events beyond his control.....


Irvine's Casting Couch-  
  
Squall is sitting in his new office looking over some papers from the day passed, when Irvine Kinneas enters. He has a pretty agitated look on his face. Squall hands him a document which Irvine simply skims over.  
Irvine: What!?!?! You can't be serious!!  
Squall: Sorry Irvine, you failed the exam.  
Irvine: Whatcha mean? I was the best out there, look at my attack scores!  
Squall: Irvine, you can't stand around talking to the female SeeD cadets and just fire your rifle randomly. Sure, you killed monsters, but you nearly injured your other party members.  
Irvine: I wasn't talking to the anyone! No wait, yeah, erm... I was   
discussing strategy........  
Squall: ....For tonight.  
Irvine: Exactly. No!  
Squall: You can take the test again in about 3 months.  
Irvine: You gotta be kidding me. Selphie's sick of paying for our nights out. I gotta be raking in some SeeD money!!  
Squall: I didn't make the rules Irvine.  
Irvine: You know what, screw it. I'm gonna go back to Deling City, and I'll stick it in all ya faces!!  
Squall: Why?  
Irvine: I dunno, cos I'm angry!  
Irvine abruptly storms out leaving a bamboozled Squall.  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
A few months later the gang, still minus one cowboy, sit around the TV In Squall's dorm room. Squall is complaining about the location of their little get together, Selphie is bouncing around on his sofa, Rinoa is looking in the mirror at the lump that his her tummy and Seifer, who had wormed his way back into Squall's good books (and a nice money borrowing position), was tapping his gunblade against his shoulder while flicking through the latest issue of 'Insider Gallywood' magazine, a specialist magazine dedicated to the latest movie releases.  
Squall: Why here? C'mon guys, Quistis' room is much bigger than mine.  
Selphie: Your chairs is sooooooo comfy!!  
Rinoa: Do I look fat? Am I showing? I am aren't I? I look like a pig!  
Seifer: Hmm...nah, Fujin'd hate it. She hates those weepy movies, even if they have violence. Hmm....Saving General Caraway, I wonder what that's about.  
  
Now enters Raijin, Fujin and Zell carrying bags. Zell appears to bleeding from the head and holding his shins.  
Zell: I didn't touch you there Fujin.  
Fujin: DID. FELT.  
Raijin: You really shouldn't have touched her up ya know.  
Seifer: What!?!?! Chicken-wuss touched my women? I'll kill you!  
Squall: C'mon guys, my new carpet!! Zell, get a tissue for that blood!  
Quistis: Did you get a suitable video Raijin?  
Raijin: Yeah, sure. 'Something intellectual', right? Well, how about   
Shakespeare? I got......erm...... 'King Leer'.  
Quistis: Are you really sure that that's Shakespeare Raijin?  
Raijin: Ya know?  
Quistis: Well, I thought that the play was spelt with an 'a', not two 'e's.  
Squall: Did you read the cover?  
Seifer: Hmm... 'The story of one man who must choose between his three   
whores'.  
Fujin: PORNO.  
Selphie+Rinoa: Ewwwww!!!!  
Squall: Give it to me, I'll.....dispose of it.  
Seifer: No wait, I've figured it out.  
Quistis: Figured what out?  
Seifer: This isn't a porn flick.  
Squall: .................[Dammit Zell, can't you do anything right?]  
Seifer: Think about it, 1 man, 3 whores......it's the Final Fantasy 7   
Story!!!  
Everyone: Ewwwwww!!!  
Raijin: Ah, get rid of it ya know.  
Fujin: BIN. TRASH COMPACTOR.  
Seifer: Already taken care of.  
Selphie: Well, that's the film out of the question, what can we do now?  
Rinoa: Late night shopping!  
Fujin: ZELL. TORTURE. PAINFUL.  
Squall: Leave my dorm.  
Seifer: Now, those all sound like good ideas, but how about a little DCL (Dollet Communications Limited)?  
Quistis: What's on?  
Seifer: Erm...Barry Norman's Film Night.  
Squall: Who?  
Seifer: Oh, he's some British film critic who's famous there. The author's British and doesn't know any American one's. He saw some on Celebrity Deathmatch but forgot their names.  
Squall: .................  
Fujin: WATCH. NOW. ZELL, LATER. KILL.  
  
The gang watch for about fifteen minutes but most are mesmerised by Zell's incessant touching of the huge lump on his forehead from the blow sustained earlier. Fujin claims her innocence in that incident. The shin bruise though she takes full credit for.  
Squall: Zell, go put some ice on that will ya?  
Zell: We haven't got any man, I looked in the freezer earlier.  
Seifer: Just put something on it!!  
Zell: Fine  
Zell exits to the kitchen area while the others continue to make fun of   
Barry's accent. Most perk up and quiet though the minute they hear a   
familiar name...  
B.N.: Now, next on Film Night, Irvine Kinneas talks about his new movie, 'SeeD Jerks Screwed Me Over' and we have the exclusive cast list right here.  
Irvine: Thank you Barry, yeah, I made this movie as a documentary about the six SeeDs who participated during the whole Ultimecia incident a whole months back.  
B.N.: Sounds great. Now, you are here with us to go over the cast. It's an all-star cast isn't it?  
Irvine: Indeed, it's a big budget movie.  
B.N.: Firstly, playing Sorceress Edea we have Gallywood legend Angelica   
Huston....  
Seifer: Gee, no surprise there. MATRON'S BOY!!!!  
Rinoa: Who you shouting at?  
Seifer: Irvine. The TV. Does it matter?  
B.N.: And as her knight....  
Seifer: This oughta be good.  
B.N.: Your co-writer, Woody Allen.  
Fujin: SHOCK!  
Seifer: HE CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!!!!  
Squall: Get over it Seifer. Who better to get beaten up every five minutes than Woody Allen?  
Seifer: Do you want to go!?!? Do you!?  
Squall: ................whatever.  
  
Meanwhile, in Esthar, Laguna is settled down after a hard day......doing pretty much nothing. Kiros and Ward are exceptionally tired after their of covering up for the president's antics at Lunar Gate.  
Laguna: C'mon Ward, you favourite show's on.  
Ward: ..............  
Laguna: Sure it is. You told me so yourself.  
Ward: ...............  
Laguna: Geez, you talk as much as my son. He saved the world ya know.  
Kiros: Don't start that Laguna, just put the set on.  
Laguna switchs on his top of the range, digital, widescreen, surround sound, cable installed, television set (Of course it's better than Squall's. I mean, Esthar makes all the good stuff doesn't it.) And turns the channel over to DCL.  
Laguna: Hey wait, isn't that that friend of my hero son?  
Kiros: Yeah it is, I wonder what he's doing on Film Night?  
B.N.: .....Also in the line-up are 3 journeyman of the movie scene. These will be playing the group known as the 'Dream World Trio'.  
Laguna: Hey! That's us!  
B.N.: First off, playing Ward....  
Ward: ..............  
B.N.: ....making his return, Tom Arnold.  
Ward: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Laguna: Sorry man.  
B.N.: As Kiros, the dashing, brains of the operation....  
Laguna: Huh?  
B.N.: ......Denzel Washington.  
Ward: !!!!!!!!!!!  
Laguna: What!? Have you got something going on there?  
Kiros: Well, you know. We both have that style ya know?  
Laguna: Humph...  
B.N.: ...And as that overconfident bungling idiot of a girlfriend   
stealer.....  
Laguna: What!?  
B.N.: Laguna Almasy Loire......  
Laguna: WAH!?!?!?  
B.N.: .9fsh32tpygigh439ty0ighw9jhepwtu-432.............(Blahz)  
Everyone Watching DCL: !!!!!!!!  
Announcer: Erm...we appear to be having technical difficulties right now, we'll sort them out as soon as possible.  
  
Back in Garden........  
Rinoa: Squall? Squall? Say something.  
Squall: ...............  
(Phone rings)  
Raijin: It's him ya know.  
Squall: ................  
[Laguna on speaker phone.](Gift from Laguna of course.): It's not true son, honest. I ain't that Almasy kids father. Well, I could be......  
Seifer: That's 35 years in child support combined now POPS!!  
[Laguna]: C'mon Squall, say something son.  
Squall: (Picks up phone)...................  
[Laguna]: You know the truth doncha son. Daddy loves ya boy. C'mon, bygones?  
Squall+Quistis: .................fudge ya. (Hangs up)  
Rinoa: Wow, how'd you know he'd say that?  
Quistis: Well, it was coming sooner or later.  
Announcer: Well, it looks as though we've fixed the fault, and now we return you to Film Night.  
  
In Esthar's presidential palace......  
Laguna: Finally.  
B.N.: So, playing that egotistical, girlfriend stealing..........  
Laguna: Blah blah blah blah....  
B.N.: Laguna Almasy Loire.....  
[Seifer: Put him on the list. Both of them!!]  
B.N.: Gallywood Hall Of Famer, Paul Newman.  
Laguna: That........that..........that...........  
Ward: ....................  
Kiros: Hehehehehehe  
Laguna: CODGER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Straight back to Garden again then, whoo, I'm dizzy.  
Selphie: He is not old. He's dandy.  
Zell: Hey yo! What I miss?  
Squall: ...................  
Zell: Oh, I found something cold, some soda can I missed. That swellings gone down now so I may as well......  
Seifer: Wait! Don't!  
Squall: Argh!! Zell you moron!!!![Geez, first he forgets my video and now this!] All over my white shirt!!  
Zell: I.....I.......I......erm........sorry.  
Seifer: If you would've listened I was gonna say that it was a trick can I was going to use on Raijin later.  
Raijin: Hey!!  
Squall: Great, my sofa's wet and my shirt.....ah man, I'm gonna go change, Zell, clean that mess up.  
Zell: ................  
Squall: NOW!!!!!  
Zell: Sir, yes sir!!!!  
B.N.: Now we move on to the six stars of the movie....  
Selphie: Here we go.  
B.N.: First of all, spunky Selphie Tilmitt.  
Selphie: Whooooo hoooo. Irvy wouldn't dare put me down.  
Quistis: May I remind you that you left him for Laguna when he didn't make it as a SeeD.  
Selphie: Bummer.  
B.N.: Making the step up from sitcoms to movies, Fran Drescher.  
Selphie: Bu.....bu......bu......he said he loved me.  
Raijin: That is so true ya know. Selphie is so annoying.  
Selphie: Humph!  
B.N.: Of course, Irvine, you will be playing yourself right?  
Irvine: That's correct Barry. I felt that there wasn't a man beautiful   
enough to ever compete with me.  
B.N.: O........kay......moving on. Hyper Zell Dincht.  
Zell: Huh?  
B.N.: John Leguizamo. Interesting choice.  
Zell: Huh? Wha? Did he say something?  
Everyone(-Zell): Hahahahahahahahaah!!!!  
Quistis: That's on the button.  
Zell: What? I don't get it!  
B.N.: Next, blonde lovesick bimbo Quistis Trepe......  
Quistis: No way!  
Irvine: Who, might I add, made many a pass at me during the whole thing.  
Selphie: You TART!! (Hits Raijin)  
Raijin: Owww!  
Quistis: I didn't! (Also hits Raijin)  
Raijin: OWWW!  
Fujin: RAGE! (Raijin, kick to the shins)  
Raijin: Owww! What's your prob' Fuj'? (Whimpers)  
B.N.: Irvine, please stop going on about how much Quistis fancies you and let me announce that her character will be played by Cameron Diaz!  
Zell: Hey! You got off fine!  
Quistis: (Turns aggressions towards Zell) NO (punch) I (punch) DID (punch)   
NOT!!!! I AM NOT A BIMBO DAMMIT!!!  
Zell: Argh....pain......cure......help me!  
Fujin: NEGATIVE. SUFFER............PERVERT.  
Zell: Argh.  
Rinoa: Will you quit ya fighting?  
B.N.: Next, the tramp Rinoa Heartilly.  
Irvine: Who also had a crush on me.  
B.N.: [This sounds a lot like 'King Leer] Good for you. Playing her, chat show queen Rosie O'Donnell  
Rinoa: I AM NOT FAT!!!! WWAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!  
Enter Squall, not hearing the previous comment, funny enough, wearing his 'No fat Chicks' tee.  
Rinoa: YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!!! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Squall: Rin........what?  
Seifer: Squall, take off the shirt!  
Squall: Are you coming on to me?  
Seifer: Take it off now!!  
Rinoa: I'M CARRYING YOUR BABY AND YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!   
WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
Quistis: Rinoa, please stop crying, please? [Geez Squall, you insensitive pr**k]  
Squall: Wha?  
Rinoa: WWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
Fujin: RAGE! (Slap)  
Raijin: OWW!!!! I ain't the one crying!  
  
About five minutes later they have shut Rinoa up. Squall is sitting in his underwear( Rinoa insisted that if she can't wear trousers, neither can he) and Seifer, Selphie and Quistis are all pouting. Zell is still confused and is looking in the dorm for any reference towards John Leguizamo. He searches in papers, magazines and all Squall's sugar packets (You never know what's on them)!!  
B.N.: Okay, we have finally got Rosie to end the interview with herself. I've never seen anything like it. Moving on now to the final casting of the film, Squall Leonhart.  
Squall: ...................  
B.N.: Irvine, will you tell us how you came to this decision?  
Squall: ....................  
Irvine: Sure. I felt that I needed someone who could play a man in a   
leadership position, and yet still not be comfortable with his own   
being........  
Squall: ....................  
Irvine: A strong, yet quiet guy......  
Squall: ...................  
Irvine: A great lover of women........  
Squall: !!!!!!!!!!!!  
Irvine: Which is why the only choice was........  
All: (Deep inhale)  
Irvine: Cloud Strife!  
Squall: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Disclaimer: I own no-one, Square does blah blah blah, don't sue yadda yadda yadda. Barry Norman gets paid by BskyB and not me and they ain't his direct quotes or nothing, so I don't want or need a call from his lawyers. 


End file.
